I’ve given you all plenty of reasons to eat, be it for comfort, relaxation, anger, procrastination, or sexiness. And I intend to continue to do so. But now, I’ll give you a few reasons not to.
1. It’s not actually food. Whether it’s cement, a boat, a pot plant or KFC, if it’s not actually made out of food stuffs, you probably shouldn’t eat it.
2. You suspect that it could be poisoned. Please don’t eat food containing poison. Poison kills people, and dead people can’t read my blog.
3. It’s less than two hours before an important meal. I know that it’s tempting to make a sandwich, just to tide yourself over. I know you think that maybe it won’t spoil your appetite, and you’ll be just as hungry when you get there. I know that there’s a chance that this might end up being a restaurant that only serves alfalfa sprouts and bird’s nest soup. But I think you know that eating before a big important meal never works out well.
4. You’re considering it just because you don’t want Other Person In The Household to eat it. If Other Person is an adult, then as much as you might disagree with them, they can make their own decisions about what they eat. And if they’re a child, just put it on the highest shelf.
5. Your brother/sister/housemate gave it to you, you don’t know what it is, and they have a particularly mischievous look about them. Trust me, it’s not a good idea. See reason #2.
6. You really don’t feel like it. We’ve all been there. You see something that, under normal circumstances, you would jump at in a heartbeat. But for some reason or another, this day you are just not feeling in the mood for it. You think maybe I won’t get another chance to eat this. Maybe it’ll be so good that I’ll want it once I’ve tasted it. Maybe I think it’s cold, but this ice cream will actually make me warmer. It never works. You know that. I know that. We all know that. So let’s just try not to go there, okay everyone?